Season 3: The Empire of Friends: Blog 17: More Years Lost

 More Years Lost

    Eleven years ago today (10/15/2020) started the worst week of my life. On this day in 2009, my best friend Samantha McCarthy, who I lovingly refer to as S.M, passed away after a long battle with a rare blood disorder called Fanconi Anemia. I haven't talked about S.M. recently because all of the Sam's Fans events that I would be heavily involved with were all moved online due to COVID-19. For those of you who don't know, Sam's Fans is a nonprofit organization that raises money to support music and art therapy in Ohio hospitals, founded by S.M's mom, Nikki! I make an effort to go to her grave two times a year; once on her birthday, March 15th, and once on the anniversary of her “heavenly” birthday, October 15. This year, S.M's birthday landed on the weekend, just when the quarantine started. I could not go on March 15th, so I made an extreme effort to go today.

I got into the driver's seat, and Mom and got into the passenger seat with the flowers I had bought yesterday. When we got into the cemetery, I drove to St. Elizabeth's lot, and Mom and I got out of the car. As I put the flowers on her grave, I started to think about the problems I have with this day:

    I didn't find out that S.M. had passed away until the morning after. When Mom and Dad told me, I didn't completely believe them. Not that I thought they were lying to me about it, but when you are told about the death of someone you love, it takes a while for your emotions to catch up to the facts- at least that's how it worked for me. It took me until the night of the viewing to realize that S.M. was gone. Standing in the funeral home with her family and friends made me face the reality of the situation. From that point on, I considered October 15th the worst day of the year. Even after I started acknowledging my grief and reconnected with S.M's family and joined Sam's Fans, October 15th was still a day that I did not enjoy. That remained true, until last year.  

    My birthday is on August 19th. As a present last year, Mom and Dad bought me an airline ticket to visit my "sister" Arden, that September. I stayed with Arden for two weeks, and one night we went out for dinner. Over dinner, we started to have a deep conversation, as I typically do with Arden. It happened to be about S.M. and some lingering grief. Arden gave me the best advice that she could, and I wrote a blog about it. Unfortunately, sometimes the English language fails to describe emotions correctly, which was one of those times. I wasn't accurately explaining to Arden what I was going through. As a result, the advice she gave me was partially incomplete. Luckily S.M’s mom, Nikki read the blog I wrote, and she filled in the gaps with what I was trying to say and added onto Arden's advice. Arden and Nikki's joint advice helped me finally accept everything that had happened after nearly ten years.

    

    As the 10th anniversary approached a month later, I wasn't feeling as bad as I usually did. I'm not complaining, I took it as a good sign, but I didn't think it would last, especially not this year. S.M. was 11 years old when she died. In Nikki's own words from today on, "we will forever be going in the direction of more years lost than what we had." I guess what I'm saying is even though I am as okay as I am ever going to be with this, I feel guilty for not being as sad as I used to feel on this anniversary. Especially this year because it is such a monumental moment. But I know S.M. doesn't want me to be sad; that's not the kind of person she was. She was one of the most positive people I have ever met. So for all of the people who knew her, do not be sad. Instead, spread positivity because that's what keeps her spirit alive! Every time you make someone smile, or laugh, or help them work through something, you are doing what she would have done.

Have a Greattastic day and be safe!

J. Mitchie Ulibarri

You can find more information about Sam's Fans at www.samsfans.org or by following them on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @samsfans15!