A Rant About Love
Before we get into this installment, I need to talk about guest bloggers/podcasters. Last year, I had my friend, Nikki, write a blog in memory of her daughter, my best friend, Samantha McCarthy (S.M.), on her 22nd birthday. At the beginning of that blog, I said that I would have a guest every year on her birthday who had/has been touched by S.M. or Sam's Fans. In case you are unaware, Sam's Fans is a non-profit founded by Nikki that supports music and art therapy for terminally ill children in Ohio hospitals. Last year S.M.'s birthday landed on the weekend that lockdown started for Covid. At the time, schools were only supposed to be closed for three weeks, so I thought things would be okay within a month, two months maximum… Oops. As a result of things still being up in the air, I decided not to get a guest blogger this year because it would be nearly impossible to get the podcast version recorded. I decided to take the opportunity to write something that I don't know when I would write it otherwise.
The story of my grief started at S.M.'s funeral. After that, I lost three other peers under similar circumstances, and miraculously I ended up coping with all of the loss and trauma through Sam's Fans. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm done grieving. Now, I understand that grief technically never ends, but I have gotten to the point in my life where emotionally, I am as okay with the situation as I'm ever going to be on a good day. Or almost as okay as I'm ever going to be because there still is one thing that I can not accept.
I met S.M. when I was in kindergarten, and by the end of third grade, I was absolutely in love with her. I know I have said that I loved her before, but for people who don't know me, I don't know if I've been clear enough about what I mean by that. We say "I love you" to so many different people, and in terms of friends and best friends, it doesn't mean the same thing as if you were saying it to someone you are attracted to. Yes, I call S.M. my best friend because that was the relationship we achieved, not because we were just best friends.
I'm having a problem with this because I have told S.M.'s story to so many people in my everyday life. When I tell them that I loved her, I'm usually met with the same expression. I can't describe exactly how the face changes, but I can tell you precisely what they're thinking: "Okay… sure this girl was your best friend and you definitely had a crush on her, but saying you were in love with her is just you romanticizing that crush because she is gone."
It doesn't bother me that people don't believe me. I honestly don't care; I know I'm telling the truth about how I felt. What bugs me is when people cut into the story and verbally say what they're thinking because it feels like they're trying to change the story to fit what they're comfortable with, and then I have to fight to keep the story intact. And the worst part is I don't think people know that they're doing it… It's just kind of something that happens on instinct.
S.M. was by far the kindest person I have ever met. She stood by me when I was getting bullied before I was diagnosed with autism, and she would help me get through my "autism meltdowns" when I had them...even though the crap she was going through was much more severe and traumatic than anything I have personally faced. And don't even get me started on her sense of humor, okay? I tend to stay away from writing or talking about it because it's just so hard to explain, but she was just so innocent and goofy it was the perfect mixture, even that isn't a good description of it. She was all of this and so much more for so many people. I'm not going to change the way I tell the story because some people don't understand it, but I'm also not going to sacrifice the rest of the story because I'm defending my feelings. She deserves that, at least! I guess that's why I'm writing this installment, really to hold me to the mark a little better!
Have a Greattastic Day and Safe
J. Mitchie Ulibarri
You can find more information about Sam's Fans at www.samsfans.org or by following them on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @samsfans15! Also If you are reading this on March 15th, Every year to celebrate S.M’s birthday, We all eat ice cream (her favorite dessert) and post it to social media with the hashtag ice cream with Sam. Please join the celebration!
